Stages of Grief (My Version)

I was inspired to write this post after I found out that my friend's daughter just had a stillborn baby boy. His name is Benjamin and he died at 26 weeks gestation.

I could list for you all of the stages of grief, and give you the "canned" version of grief. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way in real life. These are my experiences, I cannot speak for others.

A lot of times I hear, "I don't want to stop being sad because I don't want to forget", or "I am afraid to let go of my grief because I don't want to let him/her go." I thought that it was just me that felt this way, but I am finding that this is a very common reaction. This applies to any loved one that we have lost, but maybe more significantly to these babies who never got to have a full life. We can't reflect back on memories or experiences, because they are not there. There is no one else to say, "Hey, remember when...". The smallest memories are only there for the mother who felt the movements of the baby in the womb. This is the only tangible reflection we have, so we hang on to our grief to give us solace and to anchor us. And maybe, to give them a place in our lives.

For me, the best visual I have are mountains and valleys. In the beginning, the valleys were low and wide. Most the time, below sea level and flooded often in tears. Occasionally a hill would appear and I could smile and laugh, but then I would feel guilt at not having Lucas at the forefront of my mind and I would wander back to the valley. I would set goals. If I could just get pregnant again, things would be better. I did, and they were. But then we got closer and closer to when Lucas died and the grief would flood back. Quinn was born healthy and strong. All that grief I had pushed aside during the pregnancy would, at times, overwhelm me for Quinn's first year. I am not sure where the postpartum depression began and my grief over Lucas ended.

Right now, the mountains are high and the valleys are smaller and less low. I have chosen to honor Lucas' memory by volunteering to help others through their loss process. This doesn't mean that I don't still feel sad. Or that I don't act out just to remind everyone that he was here. But, it is a healthier way to hang on to his memory, and there is much joy in service.

You have to allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Don't let anyone rush you through. It is a process that if you ignore or push to the back burner, it will rear its ugly face and force you go through in the future. Your brain has to process things at its own speed. Everyone is different. My only advice is to let yourself feel it. Give yourself the time YOU need.

XOXO