The Dream

I had the dream again. I haven't had it for a while, and it takes me a while to figure out if it is real or not after I wake up.
It starts out just like normal life in a normal day. I go to get in the car and make sure everyone is with me and I realize that I am missing someone. I can't remember his name, is it Alex, or Alec, oh yeah its Lucas. I start to feel guilty because I have been paying so much attention to Quinn. Loving him so much. How did I forget to give these things to Lucas. In my dream they are both babies and they are both the same age, but Lucas doesn't look too different from when he died. Still bald and pale, but in my dream he is not dead, I just have forgotten about him. I wasn't sad in the dream. It just seemed like normal life.
I don't think I will ever wrap myself around this thing that happened. Most days are great, just have moments that he pops into my head, no big deal. Sometimes though, I have dreams like this and I go back.
I also struggle with feeling guilty for my grief. I know it could be much worse, and someday might be. I know that others have problems and challenges much worse. So I try to keep my grief private.