Moving on

I am going to admit something to you. Something my husband doesn't even know. November 28, 2009 started out like any normal day. Well, maybe not normal for you but quite normal for me. I was running around picking out paint chips and desperately trying to help my husband get our upstairs finished by Christmas. You see, we have been perpetually remodeling since before we were married and I desparately want it to come to an end.

Around lunch time I was writing a check and asked what the date was. The cashier said the 28th. I froze. I couldn't believe I actually forgot Lucas' birthday. It was the 3 year anniversary of the day he was born still.

I wasn't sure how to feel. Part of me wanted to rejoice that I have actually moved to a point in my grieving that I wasn't obsessing about this day for weeks before. The other part of me felt guilt for not remembering and not mourning this day. Well I went home and talked to the family about what we were going to do to celebrate his life. I acted like I never forgot. My husband talked to a psychologist who told him that it would take 2-3 years for the gut wrenching grief to be over. I was so mad that he put a time limit on my grief that I didn't want him to say I told you so. I just acted like the birthday was always on my mind. What can I say, I hate it when men are right!!

As my new years resolution, I decided that it was time that I moved on. There is much more to me than just my son who has passed. I don't want this one event in my life to define me. Yes, it is something that happened to me and it was awful and horrible and sad, but I am a much better person because of it. I have a lot to offer to this world than my grief. So Lucas, happy birthday son, I am setting you free.