Delivery

Monday, November 27th, 2006
I really don't remember what the conversation was like with the kids. I remember lots of questions. Russ and I went home to a particularly messy house and started making arrangements for the kids. Russ' parents reluctantly stayed with the kids the first night and a wonderful neighbor and friend (who had 5 kids who just got over the stomach flu) stayed the second night. Of course that night Shelby was throwing up all night. We went to Russ' parents house for dinner and Russ and his dad gave me a blessing. We were to be at the hospital at 7 pm to be induced.

We arrived at the hospital and got checked in and before I let them induce me I made them check to see if it was really true. Was he really dead? The ultrasound confirmed it and they gave me a pill to dissolve in my cheek. I took this every 4 hours until labor really got going. We had the kindest nurse. I wish I could remember her name. I asked her everything I could. What will my baby look like? After all, I had never seen a baby smaller than 6 pounds. I am not necessarily uncomfortable around dead bodies, but come on, a baby, my child? I was scared. I guess I wanted so much to love him but was afraid I wouldn't if he looked really bad (stupid, I know). They asked if I wanted and epidural. I said no. I wanted to feel every bit of it. Was this self-torture or maybe I just wanted to feel it. To feel alive. Labor was weird. Normally, (when you are delivering a live baby) there is a lot of joy and laughter during labor. With Lucas, we had bouts of laughter, then guilt over laughing. There were also lots of tears. Russ and I took turns all night crying.

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
The pain was getting unbearable in the wee hours. I started by asking for pain medication. It held me off for an hour or two, but I finally succumbed to an epidural. They sent a resident with the attending doctor to supervise. Are you kidding me?! I didn't have my wits about me right away, all I was doing was sobbing uncontrollably from pain and grief. They just kept telling me to hold still. I swear he poked me 5 different times. Finally the REAL doctor took over and threw some things in frustration around the room and along with some morphine, before I knew it, I was numb. Numb inside and out. My doctor, who just came in from out of town, finally arrived and before I even expected it, it was time to deliver. Emotionally, I wasn't ready for this, it was all happening so fast. I hardly had to push his 1 lb. 12 oz., 14 inch body out of me. The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck 3 times. Almost like he grew into it. They handed him to me. He was beautiful. Looked like Mitchell, reminded me of my Dad. My fears of not loving him were unfounded. He was mine. He was beautiful.