The First

I am not good with words. I have never been a great orator like my sister Diana and my dad. Nor did I get my grandma's gift of gab like Minda and Kristy. But I have so many thoughts that run through my head that I just have to get them out. When you ask me how I am doing and I say fine (freaked out, insecure, neurotic, emotional) it is only because I am sparing you the emotional outburst. I still can't speak his name without tears running down my face.

This is my attempt to put my feelings to paper. It has been 21 months 2 weeks and 4 days since my world changed forever, but who's counting. November 27, 2006 was the day I found out my son had died while still in my belly. I still struggle with the fact that I couldn't protect him. It has made me acutely aware that I cannot protect any of my kids like I thought I could.

I am also very aware that this could have been much worse, and I know this trial of mine doesn't hold a candle to what other people go through in this world. I am very blessed with the gospel, 4 healthy kids, a wonderful husband, a beautiful roof over my head, money in our pockets and food on our table. Still, my life was changed forever.

This blog is not just for my grief, but also for a small window into our life. Feel free to ask questions, I will make an attempt to answer them honestly. Also feel free to make comments. Don't worry, I am not easily offended.